Sooo, What's Next?

Lately, I've been constantly caught in this particular topic. The future. I guess maybe it happens because it's the new year. We've arrived to a future where we imagined, particularly a year before Wawasan 2020. When I was a kid, I thought we would have flying cars by the time it's 2020. It is possible, we've seen hover cars and such but far from the crazy future I imagined. Anyway, we've arrived in this future called 2019.

One thing that couldn't escape our experience in time is growing older. Thinking about growing another year older has always been something sentimental to me. I remembered when I turned 17, I got a call from my mom on my birthday. I was away as I was studying in boarding school and around that time I was representing my school for some event. I cried when she wished me birthday. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't sad celebrating birthday at school or if it was because I was homesick. It was my fifth year in boarding school. I cried because I was reminded of all the time I've experienced.

To me, my past and my time and the experience is mine, the memories are mine. However, I never felt like I owned it. It was something of mine that will continue to slip away through my fingers. Never in my grasp. So I was sad for that. Sad for all the moments I can never go back to. Coming into 2019, felt the same way. Sans the tears.

It also felt like an important part of my life.

I told my friend Shafiqah, how sometimes I checked on myself in the middle of the day. Like pinching myself here and there just to make sure that I'm not dreaming. Some of you might know that I'm currently doing my internship and it is going to end in less than a month. So, I pinch myself due to a fear I have, thinking that I might just be dreaming right now. For the reality is, I haven't even started my internship and I've experienced the past 7 months as a dream.

Weird?

I think so too. I always felt weird having to do that sometimes. However, being really understanding, Shafiqah responded to my weird experience as 'a side effect' to moving from one point of my life to another. Just 6 months ago, I was still doing my final projects, still a student living life aimlessly trying to score one subject after another. Then suddenly, I'm at the end of the road of student life. Which is shocking. I never expected myself to go this far.

Honestly, I have no idea how the hell am I going to navigate through this new chapter. I just plan, make a goal and hopefully achieve them at my own pace. The future tend to scare me as much as I am always excited for it. It's the only thriller my life has. It's mysterious, it's nerve wrecking and at the end of the day I find myself feeling very clueless. I know I was going through all these moments in life but I can never figure out how I got there.

Just like this moment right now. I just wake up, make the smallest decisions to the tiniest problem and well, one thing usually leads to another. I sound like I have no plan for the future. That's not true. I am the kind of person who would plan EVERYTHING. However, the mystery is how do I get there. I can always plan but i between the plans and the goals that I created, there's a void of mystery that I leave open.

That void, is something I struggle with. What do I do with it? How do I even begin taking the first step to anything I plan for? I only know where I wanna be, I never quite get the idea of how to get there. Hopefully, my tiny decisions I make daily helps.

So sometimes I wonder if, I should just get into the next chapter in my life by jumping over the void and just forget I have to do some things in order to get to my next chapter. Sounds great. A LEAP OF FAITH.

But a faith is nothing without its foundation.

So if I just take that leap of faith over the void, WITHOUT any foundation, I might get sucked into the void and I can kiss my goals goodbye because I don't have the support system, the ability to help me make that jump.

So sis gotta get creative and start doing something to help me take that leap. Maybe a trampoline. Whatever does right? As long as I get there, to the next chapter of my life. So what's beyond that void? My fear of losing, or failing? Maybe. So I shouldn't look down I guess.

Gotta get there, even if I die trying. So, let's jump over the void and get to that chapter!